Divorce

“For a young child, psychologically, divorce is the equivalent of lifting a hundred-pound weight over the head. Processing all he radical and unprecedented changes-loss of a parent, loss of a home, of friends- stretches immature cognitive and emotional abilities to the absolute limit and some-times beyond that limit.” (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002)

Divorce has shown to reap negative effects on children immediately in regards to academic performance and behavior. While these effects are apparent during the process of divorce and soon after, divorce also effects children well into their adult lives in regards to their future relationships and academic aspirations. With the surplus of research and data that is now available, it is clear that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Research shows that there is a decrease in academic progression, greater susceptibility to illegal substances, inclination towards future divorce, and decline of socioeconomic status among children of divorce. The effects of divorce are very personal, but also create a ripple effect economically and socially. Research regarding the effects of divorce has also lead to an expansion of helpful resources that attempt to soften the blow o parental separation on children. Programs have been created to dilute negative effects by educating parents about the effects of divorce on their children. Therapeutic resources are available specifically for children who are experiencing parental separation. (Brown 2009) While each situation is unique on its own, generally children of divorce are placed at a great disadvantage when compared to children of married parents.

Divorce is a common occurrence in the United States, and because of this there are also many blended families, or step-families.  This change in family stricture can be stressful on all family members. Learning to incorporate another family into your own can be a challenge, but is possible when effective communication and positive interactions are prominent. 

Parenting

I consider myself blessed to have the parents that i do. They have made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else that i have encountered. Knowing how much they influenced me makes me realize how important the task of parenthood is. According to The Family: A Proclamation to the World ," Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God, and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live." The duty of a parent is sacred. It is divine, and should be treated as such. Parenthood has been both my greatest fear, and the one thing that i look forward to most in this life. As we discussed in class, there are many resources available to us that can guide parents to raise their children as best as they can. Regardless of ever secular study that has been done regarding the most effective parenting techniques, i know that the best way to raise a child is in a gospel context. Parents should teach and apply correct gospel principles in the home. This, in my opinion, is the recipe for perfect parenting.

Parents should do their best to rear their children in love and righteousness, but regardless of how effective parents are, children still wander astray. This week, we were assigned to read an article regarding wayward children. It specifically addressed the fact that there are angels all around, helping these wayward children return to straight and narrow path. It is inspiring an motivating to know that regardless of where we are, or what situation we are in, there will always be angels surrounding us to aid us when in need. One of my favorite hymns is #117 "Come Unto Jesus," specifically because of one line in the third verse which reads: "oh, know you not that angels are near you from brightest mansions above?". It is even more reassuring to know that such angels are not strangers, but many are our ancestors or close friends who have passed on. Like many of us, i have members in my family that have been, or are currently inactive. It is heartbreaking to see the potential in these family members as they continue to make poor decisions that impede on their salvation. In the article, Larry Barkdull stated "We must not despair. In working with our wayward children, God will assemble all the powers of heaven and earth to achieve His glorious work." I would imagine that as a parent it is especially difficult to watch a child stray. Many parents take complete responsibility for their children's decisions, and they blame themselves for the child's inactivity. It is necessary, and comforting, to know that that we are not alone in our efforts to realign wayward loved ones. Ministering angels are right by our side, doing all that they can to turn the hearts of the children to their fathers, and what a relief that is.

Mind for a Mop

Seeing as this week's lesson fell on thanksgiving week, we did not go into much depth about the assigned topics. Despite this, i thoroughly enjoyed the article assigned for Tuesday's preparation. The article, by Dennis Prager, is entitled "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap her Mind for a Mop?" This article addresses an issue that I am particularly passionate about. In our world, it is common that women to not feel valued unless they attain a high level education, or work a high paying job. Motherhood is frequently underestimated. In a sense, the world sees motherhood as an "entry level job" while it requires amazing amounts of flexibility, diversity, patience, and resilience. Prager poses the question of whether full-time mothers are trading intellectual potential for the tedious chore of motherhood. In our society, there is obvious feminist pressure in regards to motherhood. This pressure is devaluing the divine role of motherhood.

Dennis Prager insists that while motherhood is demanding, there are ways that full time mothers can expand or enhance their intellectual progression. Prager states, "So it is not only nonsense that full-time homemaking means swapping the mind for a mop. It is also nonsense that the vast majority of paid work outside the home develops the mind. One may prefer to work outside the home for many reasons: a need or desire for extra income; a need to get out of the house; a need to be admired for work beyond making a home; a need for regular interaction with other adults. But the development of the intellect is not necessarily among them." I appreciate the fact that Prager addresses the fact that while some feel a need to work outside of the home, This is not the only source of intellectual progression. Often, those who work full time do not receive the same intellectual stimulation that a mother may. Motherhood is not the equivalent of intellectual abandonment, but is quite the opposite. 

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Communication is extremely effective. It can either make or break any relationship. When we communicate effectively, problem solving is a much simpler process. We were shown a quote in class this week that stated "You can never not communicate.You can only mis-communicate." a first I was skeptical, and did not necessarily agree/understand, but after our class discussion, I realized that this statement is absolutely correct. Although it may not be verbally, we are constantly communicating. Even silence is a means of communication. It is important, especially in a marriage, that effective communication is the formula to happiness. When faced with trials, couples can overcome obstacles through correct encoding and decoding of thoughts, ideas, and feelings.There is as much responsibility on the decoder as there is on the encoder. Many see communication as a one way street, when in fact, decoding what the communicator is trying to relay is even more important. The specific process of encoding and decoding is drawn out as such;

THOUGHT/FEELING/IDEA----ENCODE----MEDIA----DECODE----THOUGHT/FEELING/IDEA

It begins with a thought. The communicator encodes their thought, or in other words, attempts to "communicate" their thought. There are multiple methods of media that can be used to communicate a thought or idea. These forms of media include words, tone, non-verbal etc. After using media to encode an idea, the recipient must decode, or interpret what the encoder is communicating. The decoder then knows, or attempts to know, the encoder's thought

All of this being said, in relation to marriage, I believe that transparency is key to effective communication. As couples communicate, it is important to be open, honest and effective. As communication improves, so os the quality of the relationship.

The Family under Stress

Each family faces their own unique hardships, and each family reacts differently to opposition. I appreciated this weeks lessons because they made me appreciate my family and our ability to cope with major obstacles that have been put in our path. In class, we discussed different things that families can do to prepare for the inevitable stress that they will undergo. We also discussed different coping methods and techniques that families can use to deal with stressful situations. We discussed some possible situations that might cause copious amounts of stress such as death, infidelity, and divorce. I concluded that in order to successfully endure such trials, a family must develop healthy habits before the trial occurs. Such habits might include open communication, frequent interaction, honesty, and centering their families in faith. 

While learning about families under stress, I found myself frequently reflecting on my family's past hardships. When I was fourteen years old, my father passed away unexpectedly in a car accident. It was interesting now to evaluate the way that each individual dealt with the situation, and how my family overcame it as a whole. Our situation was obviously very stressful. It was absolutely heartbreaking, but because of habits that we had previously developed, my family handled it better than I ever would have expected. The time that we spent as a family before my father died helped us to all grow closer as a unit. Because of such unity, we all felt comfortable leaning on one another for comfort and support. We always practiced open and frequent communication. Because of this, I felt that i could talk to my mother and siblings about the feelings that I had, which helped tremendously. Because my mother and father had established a Christ centered home, I had a firm testimony in the plan of salvation, knowing that I would see my father someday. This was perhaps the thing that brought me the most comfort during such a difficult trial. Such reflection made me appreciate my mother and father even more than I already did. Because of the healthy habits that they established when they were first married, their children were blessed during a trial that could have ultimately torn us apart.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Contrary to what I anticipated, this week was one of my favorite weeks, and I learned much more than I imagined. I have always thought that sex education was highly under valued, The way that our society views sexual intimacy is contrary to that of God. Sexual intimacy is a way for couples to become one with God, strengthen bonds within marriage, and procreate. It is a divine gift given to us that should only happen between husband and wife. Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, it can be extremely destructive as it occurs outside of the bonds of holy matrimony. It saddens me to know that many view sex as sinful, shameful, casual, or even recreational. Although it should not, sexual intimacy can be a source of negative feelings, or even guilty feelings. As couples experience inevitable hardships, conflict and contention can bleed into the couple's sex life, causing contention and deepened controversy.

Much of our conversation in class this week revolved around the differences regarding sexual response between males and females. While sexual expression is a healthy part of our behavior, men and women experience sexual expression differently. Men are typically quicker to experience orgasm and resolution than women.Women typically take longer to reach orgasm, and they also take more time in the resolution stage. These differences could serve as either a challenge or an opportunity to grow. When experiencing these differences, it is important for each partner to be aware of their partners needs. When one partner is unaware, or simply not concerned with their other partner's situation, it can cause frustration and contention. These differences can also give coupes the opportunity to practice efficient communication, and grow with one another.

Transitions in Marriage

Seeing as I am not married, and never have been, I often feel inadequate as I explain how marriage ties in to family relations. This week, we discussed the transition points in marriage. The initial marriage, and having children seemed to be the most obvious transitions in marriage. The initial marriage is both an exciting, but also very stressful event. When two individuals get married, they are meshing two completely different family cultures and backgrounds. When a couple gets engaged and begins planning a wedding, they are (or should be) encouraging both sides of the family to work together in executing such an important event. Once the couple is married, it can be difficult to incorporate the two separate cultures into one household. I assume that this is one of the reasons that most marriages fail very early on. Having to mesh the two lifestyles requires much cooperation, negotiation, and compromise.

Having children is considered one of the other major transitions in a marriage. Incorporating children into the family unit can surely shake things up. Introducing a child calls for just as much cooperation , negotiation, and compromise as the initial marriage. For most of our time in class, we discussed the strains that having a child can have, and how to avoid them. We discussed that having a child can especially make the father feel distanced as the mother is preoccupied with nurturing the child. Often times, mothers also suffer with postpartum depression, which can also strain the relationship between husband and wife. The wife often feels overwhelmed as she is now responsible for the nurture of another human being. In order to avoid marital strain, we concluded that it is important to include the husband in the maternal experiences of pregnancy, and the nurture of the newborn child, It is also crucial for the husband to help his wife in any way that he can as she tries to nurture the child as best as she can. Cooperation is necessary for marital happiness when a new child is introduced.

Marriage Preparation

As we discussed marriage preparation this week, we addressed the different stages of choosing an eternal companion. I found that predictors for a successful marriage were extremely important but often unnoticed in the process of dating. I have realized that the manner by which you date often reflects patterns that are found in marriage. As we date casually, or exclusively, we are experiencing the mannerisms, attitudes, and habits of potential companions. The things that we observe can serve as warning signs, or indicators of a successful marriage. After reflecting on past dating experiences, I realize how important dating is. Many see dating as a chore, but without getting to know those around you, there are so many opportunities that go unnoticed. In order to get to know someone well enough to consider marriage, it is so important to see them in a number off environments and situations. Dating should entail numerous activities that are diverse in nature. The best dates give each participant an opportunity to truly get to know the other. These experiences serve as indicators of whether a relationship would be successful or not. The proper process of dating is a dying tradition, but need to be revived in order to result in more successful marriages.

One of my favorite discussions this week included the introduction of the relationship attachment model (or RAM model). This model shows how relationships can grow to be most successful. It indicates that the proper sequence of relationship progression should include; getting to know the other, gaining trust in your significant other, being able to rely on them, committing to the relationship, and showing intimacy through touch. This specific order is crucial. One must know their significant other before being able to trust them. As trust develops, you can then rely on your significant other, and so on. This order should not be rearranged if a healthy and successful relationship is the ultimate goal. I found this RAM model very helpful, and i will be referring to it frequently in the future.


http://www.codependencynomore.com/session16/

Gender and Family Life

Gender has a much larger influence on family life than I ever expected before our discussions this week. Each gender has their own unique roles and responsibilities in the family. We discussed that women are more inclined to have certain traits that men do not. Men are more inclined to have other traits that women do not. For example women tend to be more sensitive, nurturing, and emotional, while men tend to be more protective, aggressive, and logical. It is important to note that these traits are not strictly assigned, but they are interchangeable. It is actually beneficial for a woman to be both protective and sensitive, and for a man to be both emotional and aggressive. Gender roles between men and women are unique, but complimentary to one another.

When I was a freshman in High School, my father passed away in a fatal car accident. Because of this, I have experienced family life with balanced gender roles and unbalanced gender roles. My father was the breadwinner of our family, while my mom always stayed at home to nurture her children. They worked together perfectly in their responsibilities. When my father passed away, my mother had to take on some roles that she was not familiar with. She was pressured to be the breadwinner of the family, but also the sensitive nurturer. This was an extremely daunting task as anyone would expect. While she has done an outstanding job at taking on roles of father and mother, there are some noticeable differences in family life now that my father is gone. My mother seems to be quite exhausted, taking on both roles. My younger sisters have struggled without a fahter figure in the home at all times, and have become closely attached to other men in their life, such as my brothers. My older brothers, some who have families of their own, have felt the need to play the role of father for their siblings, as well as their own children. My experience has opened my eyes to the importance of men and women working together as a complementary unit.

Social Class and Cultural Diversity

This week, we have taken an interesting perspective on the role of social class and culture in family life. In one way or another, our families are influenced by the social class we belong to, and the culture that we come from. We have discussed the pros and cons of raising a family in each of the respected social classes. As a part of our discussion, we were asked which social class would be ideal to raise a family. Many said that middle class would be the ideal social class to raise a family in, seeing as they would have sufficient resources to succeed, but not too many as to spoil their sense of hard work. While this makes sense to me, I disagree with the assumption that one social class would be superior to another.

I had the privilege of climbing the social ladder throughout my life. As newlyweds, my parents were very poor, and in a large amount of debt. When I was a child, my parents were working through debt, and my siblings and I did not have as many resources as our middle class friends. Regardless of the fact that we did not go on annual family trips, and we lived a paycheck to paycheck life, I believe that my siblings and I learned all of the necessary characteristics to being successful adults. As we grew older, my parents worked hard enough to afford a larger home in the suburbs. Were were then considered "middle class". Although we had climbed this social ladder, my parents still required that we all worked jobs to pay for our own things, even though they easily could have. Regardless of our social class, we always maintained proper family values. Whether in a budget crisis or not, we always kept sound priorities and learned the things that we needed to in order to succeed in adulthood.

Valid Data and Interrelated Trends

Social science seems to be the basis of this family relations course. The study of human relationships is the pathway to better understanding the family unit and its effect on society. Before delving into understanding different family dynamics and trends, it was necessary that we understand how to differentiate valid from invalid research. This is crucial, seeing as all topics regarding social sciences rely heavily on research. We reviewed reports that were highly influential in our society, even though they were based on research that was flawed and inaccurate. Specifically speaking, we analyzed reports that attempted to prove that children raised in same-sex households were not at a disadvantage to children raised in heterosexual homes. There were major flaws in the research. Instead of comparing children raised by homosexual parents to children raised by heterosexual parents, researchers compared them to children raised by single mothers. It is already proven that children raised by single mothers are already at a major disadvantage. The data was null, yet the report was sill published. Not only was it published, it was highly influential in legalizing same-sex marriage in the United States.

In hopes to avoid tangent, my point is that the ability to differentiate between valid and fallacious data is key to understanding the study of family relations. 

Aside from learning how to recognize legitimate data, we also focused on inter-related family trends. Our country is experiencing an increase in divorce rates, decrease in birthrates, increase in cohabitation, and an increase in single mother households along with many other startling trends. Each one of these factors is directly related to one another. I was interested to find out that an increase in cohabitation ultimately lead to an increase to divorce rates. As divorce rates rise, an increase in single mother households ensues. Each factor is dependent on all others.

Before truly diving in to the study of family relations, it is helpful to know that each aspect of the family dynamic is interrelated. I assume that this will prove beneficial as we progress in our studies. 

Welcome!

My name is Mariah Moss, and I am currently a student at Brigham Young University Idaho. As a marriage and family studies major, I am required to take a Family Relations class. For the sake of this class, I will be maintaining this blog, recording the thoughts and insights that I have as we study topics related to the family unit. Feel free to leave me your thoughts and opinions as far as they are appropriate and respectful.

List of Classmate's Blogs:
Here is a helpful list of my classmates' blogs. They will also be publishing posts regarding the topics that we have discussed in FAM160. They will provide different insights and different perspectives that will be beneficial to both myself and each viewer.

• AJ Le Grice
• Alyssa Dexter
• Becca Parker
• Brienna Conteh
• Brittany Margaritis
• Christine Smith
• Crystal Leann Lynch
• Danielle Nielson
• Eliza Butikofer
• Grace John
• Hailey Shumate
• James Conteh
• Julia Hoopes
• Justine Harper
• Karina McNally
• Kristin Williams
• Kristyn Lloyd 
• Makayla Halversen
• Makayla Tilleman
• Mariah Harper
• Mariah Moss
• Megan Dotson
• Megan Hall
• Melissa Wenzel
• Mikell Wilcox
• Nathan Adamson
• Rachel Compas
• Rina Grover
• Sadie Haslam
• Sarah Bee
• Sarah Joseph
• Savannah Wood
• Sydney Roberts
• Zachary Baker
• Zachary Beyler